Country Girl In Jersey

If you think you know me, you’re probably wrong about some of the things you think about me. 

you probably think I’m a strong person. Truth is? I’m not. i’m really sensitive and there are a lot of things you can say that will probably hurt me. 

I have MANY insecurities. just to list a few

• I don’t think i’m pretty. not even a little bit. 
• i think i’m overweight. 
• i’ve lost so many close friends I just dont think i’m worth anyones time anymore.
• I always try so hard in school only to be a B or C student with the occasional A. 
• I don’t feel like i’m good enough for anyone.
• I know that any guy that sees me or is friends with me would never think about being anything more than friends with me. 

I have many fears. And I don’t only mean fears like heights or spiders. I mean fears like being alone.

• my biggest fear right now? that i’ll never find a guy who wants me.
• That i’ll be dateless for senior prom NEXT YEAR
• That I wont be invited to anyones house for prom pictures. 
• If I let someone too close to me they’ll run in the opposite direction because they don’t want to deal with me. 
• that i’m never gonna be wanted by anyone. not even my friends. 
• That my mom is gonna be as miserable as she is now with my dad for the rest of her life because of me. 
• i dont wanna fall asleep alone and wake up knowing that i died without the one for me. 

Most people probably think i’m generally happy and whatever. truth is im not. im only human and i have my bad days as well as my good days. 

Some days i’m just a bitch because i’m sick of people taking advantage of me. I forgive but never forget. I’ve given 1, 2, even 5 or 6 chances to some people i know. and i never will have the courage to tell them that i dont forgive them. why? because i dont wanna lose anymore people than i already have. 

I’ve lost 7 best friends. whether it was a falling out, going to college, moving to another state, or just growing apart, or a reason i dont even know of i lost them. 

and it hurts more than anything knowing that people i once trusted so much could just leave like that. 

On another note family problems also affect me. 

• my uncles a piece of shit alcoholic who just screwed his father (my pop pop) over and felt absolutely NO remorse for what he did.
• my dad and mom ALWAYS fight when he’s home (he’s an over the road trucker.)
• my brother and his girlfriend still live at home. mind you my brother is 31. I love my brother to death don’t get me wrong but i can’t stand his girlfriend most of the time. and i hate how my brother acts when he’s around her. He just acts like a total douche, but when its just him? he’s the brother i’ve known for 17 years again. His girlfriend is just a bitch who acts like she’s always right, like she knows everything, and like she’s better than i am. You may have a higher education than me because you’re older but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t equal. Not to mention the fact that she sits on her ass in my brothers room on her laptop while i’m doing all the chores and shit. 
• I love my mom to death. She’s my best friend. Although some times we may not always get along and we say hurtful things to each other i know that she’ll always love me for me. 
• There’s never enough money and i know that’s a common problem in the American household now-a-days but like it’s bad here. my dad makes about 38k a year roughly. Sometimes he only makes around $300 and then takes $200 of that for a pay advance. Leaving my mom to support herself, me, 3 pets, and my brother and his girlfriend with about $100. Lately he hasn’t done that but he has in the past very often. 
• My biological father has problems believing that, i am in fact his. even after 3 paternity tests. and still does not want anything to do with me. i always wonder if he knows what him doing that has made me feel like. 

i guess i’m just fed up with everything. yet i still choose to hide everything with a smile. and quite frankly i’ve gotten very good at it.